Cant seem to remember

I can't seem to remember to post here. I keep doing my same ol routine of calling my friends instead of writing. I think this is because I have to right so many dang reflections in class. But check out the link on the right for my student teaching blog.

This experiment needs work

I have reverted back to phone calls instead of writing. I think I just to better talking out loud. Although there is something therapeutic about writing and I am not stopping. Just wanting to be more aware of what I do to get my needs met and how writing helps. I would like to say I will write every day but I am afraid to make promises I can't keep to myself or to anyone for that matter, but since this is for me, to myself.

Today I promised myself I would stay home, not make plans and rest. So, onto my second cup of coffee and my second movie. If I think of anything inspiring I will come back.

back to normal.

i think i am getting sick. crummy. of course i cant rest i put my finals off to the last minute.

old poem

absence
is to love
what wind
is to fire
it extinguishes
the small
it enkindles
the great

I found this poem when I was in high school and I wrote it out in calligraphy and painted a picture near it of a daffodil. Over the many years I have revisited it and felt that it was an important poem in my life. Now I wonder, does the poem fit my circumstances or did my circumstances come to life from the thoughts of the poem.

How many long distance relationships can one have? I find it rather amusing. In high school, I met Bill. I moved to Bremerton and he lived basically 3 hours away in Mill Creek (I think). This caused turmoil and drama. I meet my son's father, he lives in MN, we don't have a long distance relationship, but our son certainly does with each of us! Next was Justin ~ he was in Portland, I was in Seattle, and then to complicate things, I moved to MN and he moved to CO, after that we were doomed. Zoom ahead several years to Dan, now I am in Portland and he is in Seattle. WTF?

When I went to NZ I never imagined I would meet someone. Sometimes I think it was a rebound from Dan. Sometimes I think it was just some fucked up joke I was playing on my own subconscious to get me to get something that I haven't figured out yet. But in any case when I was there I thought about this poem. I thought, wow, maybe it has been my destiny my whole life to learn to deal with distance so that I would be capable of handling it across hemispheres!

But I have a hard time believing that. I think that I read that poem and it in turn has influenced how I have created my reality. I think I saw something magical about distance and love and what that means about love and I have been inviting it into my life ever since.

But now I expel that belief. I believe in love right here. In my living room please. In my city. I am so afraid of someone else "coming" to me, moving where I am. I want to know someone who lives here. Now I just want to know myself. But I want my future with someone who lives in and loves Portland.

I know that absence can make the heart grow fonder. But I don't want absence in my love affairs any more. I want presence. I want consciousness. I know I will have it.

I think I will vomit

I am so pissed off right now. Tim just got a check in the mail, over $400 dollars and it makes me ill. The fucker never paid for a thing. I called him to ask where to send it and told him he could give it to me to help pay for the wedding debt or the divorce or all the other things i paid for like car insurance, rent, phones, power, gas, internet, basically everything accept food...and the fucker says, "we argued about this once." I replied, "Yes, we did." and he said, "I did get you that nice bedding that one time" and I said, "yes, you did. what is the address to mail your check?"

I can't believe it, he never even paid a penny for the wedding. i hate him. and i hate that i hate him. and he is such a selfish completely oblivious mother fucker. Can you believe he bragged to me that his son got expelled from school, a private school that his mother pays $9000 a year for, and said, poor mum! and laughed! And then went on to blame it all on his sons mother!!!

i know i am glad i am not with this man. i am glad i didnt have kids with this man. have your 400 dollars mother fucker. i will remind myself again that i cut my losses and split with my self and soul still intact. i will remind myself that if his old boss was not such an idiot he may have sent the money elsewhere and if I never saw it then it wouldn't piss me off so badly. so i will pretend this $400 check doesnt exist. and neither does mother fucker.

he just went on and on like always, about him, about how he found his personal legend, about how wonderful his house is with the deck looking over the lake, about how he couldnt believe he ever left this place he is and how he looks around everyday and smiles. i hope he means it. i hope he really is happy in his blind selfish ignorance, i hope he is happy.

god damn it when is it my turn.

why do i have to muddle through all this? i know the answer. i just feel so fooled, and so dragged backwards, and find myself wondering all the time.

i dont want to take care of anyone. i dont want the weight on my shoulders. I AM SO ANGRY BECAUSE NOW I FEEL A SCAR WHERE THERE ONCE WAS NONE. Now i have to wade through this bullshit baggage and process it all and figure it out and deal with FEAR when i once would willingly jump into love no matter what. I want to get back to my favorite place "love like youve never been hurt" but i lost my way.

and then there is the fuck it I want a cigarette feeling. god damn it. i know that is a medicating need for a cig, one that will bury my emotions for the day. blaaaaaa blllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaa bla.

work

So I am pissed off at my work. It seems that our place of business is not welcoming to new coming employees, and a few have quit. We got a nasty email from one of the bosses at which time she said to us she would provide us with examples if we chose. I asked for some, but instead of an example she cited my personality. I know she didn't mean for it to be bad, but it really pissed me off. Everyone who is new is going to feel new. I did. When I started everyone I worked with had been working together FOR YEARS! Theses guys don't have to deal with that, there are only three people left who have been there for more than a year. In any case while I want to make new people feel welcome I also don't feel like i should have to change my personality. part of the allure of my work is that we are all happily our individual special perfect selves and when you get to be your special self without putting a mask on like in a corporate environment you also have to accept others for their individual selves. this is what i like about my job. but i don't like that all of a sudden there is an assumption that we are treating people poorly and when I inquire about I am not given a time when I have ever done such a thing, because i have not, but i am told all the ways that i might "come across" or "appear abrupt" to a new person. i already know that about myself, and while it is not always ideal i am not sorry for it anymore. for all the ways that it can be a disadvantage it is also and advantage. not to fucking forget to mention that the person who told me this is just the same. she has her moments just like we all do. new people and old people alike. lets buck up here. we are here to help and love each other and make our place a cool place to work, not to be afraid of each other. i know that it is hard to be new, but that is part of the uptown test, not for us to make it hard for new people but for them to find their own way, not my way, not her way, but their own way. can they say what they think? it takes awhile to feel comfortable doing this but it is necessary and nobody held my hand until i figured it out and I personally like where I work because everyone is capable of communicating for themselves.

i am additionally pissed that the owner seems to be inquiring into how things are for the new people but not with us older staff. seems to me like there is a lot of one sided review happening. i will be interested to see how it turns out when they decide to share with us. until then, venting over.

Never made it to day 2

While I was not entirely successful in my fast, the one day of not eating was enough of a distraction to keep me from smoking. So, here I am a week later, and only cheated once. In that one cheat I found out how much it makes it worse and decided again what a great decision it is to be not smoking. I am going to attempt a different kind of cleanse. I am going to stop drinking and smoking for awhile and see how that makes me feel. (smoking forever)