This experiment needs work

I have reverted back to phone calls instead of writing. I think I just to better talking out loud. Although there is something therapeutic about writing and I am not stopping. Just wanting to be more aware of what I do to get my needs met and how writing helps. I would like to say I will write every day but I am afraid to make promises I can't keep to myself or to anyone for that matter, but since this is for me, to myself.

Today I promised myself I would stay home, not make plans and rest. So, onto my second cup of coffee and my second movie. If I think of anything inspiring I will come back.

back to normal.

i think i am getting sick. crummy. of course i cant rest i put my finals off to the last minute.

old poem

absence
is to love
what wind
is to fire
it extinguishes
the small
it enkindles
the great

I found this poem when I was in high school and I wrote it out in calligraphy and painted a picture near it of a daffodil. Over the many years I have revisited it and felt that it was an important poem in my life. Now I wonder, does the poem fit my circumstances or did my circumstances come to life from the thoughts of the poem.

How many long distance relationships can one have? I find it rather amusing. In high school, I met Bill. I moved to Bremerton and he lived basically 3 hours away in Mill Creek (I think). This caused turmoil and drama. I meet my son's father, he lives in MN, we don't have a long distance relationship, but our son certainly does with each of us! Next was Justin ~ he was in Portland, I was in Seattle, and then to complicate things, I moved to MN and he moved to CO, after that we were doomed. Zoom ahead several years to Dan, now I am in Portland and he is in Seattle. WTF?

When I went to NZ I never imagined I would meet someone. Sometimes I think it was a rebound from Dan. Sometimes I think it was just some fucked up joke I was playing on my own subconscious to get me to get something that I haven't figured out yet. But in any case when I was there I thought about this poem. I thought, wow, maybe it has been my destiny my whole life to learn to deal with distance so that I would be capable of handling it across hemispheres!

But I have a hard time believing that. I think that I read that poem and it in turn has influenced how I have created my reality. I think I saw something magical about distance and love and what that means about love and I have been inviting it into my life ever since.

But now I expel that belief. I believe in love right here. In my living room please. In my city. I am so afraid of someone else "coming" to me, moving where I am. I want to know someone who lives here. Now I just want to know myself. But I want my future with someone who lives in and loves Portland.

I know that absence can make the heart grow fonder. But I don't want absence in my love affairs any more. I want presence. I want consciousness. I know I will have it.

I think I will vomit

I am so pissed off right now. Tim just got a check in the mail, over $400 dollars and it makes me ill. The fucker never paid for a thing. I called him to ask where to send it and told him he could give it to me to help pay for the wedding debt or the divorce or all the other things i paid for like car insurance, rent, phones, power, gas, internet, basically everything accept food...and the fucker says, "we argued about this once." I replied, "Yes, we did." and he said, "I did get you that nice bedding that one time" and I said, "yes, you did. what is the address to mail your check?"

I can't believe it, he never even paid a penny for the wedding. i hate him. and i hate that i hate him. and he is such a selfish completely oblivious mother fucker. Can you believe he bragged to me that his son got expelled from school, a private school that his mother pays $9000 a year for, and said, poor mum! and laughed! And then went on to blame it all on his sons mother!!!

i know i am glad i am not with this man. i am glad i didnt have kids with this man. have your 400 dollars mother fucker. i will remind myself again that i cut my losses and split with my self and soul still intact. i will remind myself that if his old boss was not such an idiot he may have sent the money elsewhere and if I never saw it then it wouldn't piss me off so badly. so i will pretend this $400 check doesnt exist. and neither does mother fucker.

he just went on and on like always, about him, about how he found his personal legend, about how wonderful his house is with the deck looking over the lake, about how he couldnt believe he ever left this place he is and how he looks around everyday and smiles. i hope he means it. i hope he really is happy in his blind selfish ignorance, i hope he is happy.

god damn it when is it my turn.

why do i have to muddle through all this? i know the answer. i just feel so fooled, and so dragged backwards, and find myself wondering all the time.

i dont want to take care of anyone. i dont want the weight on my shoulders. I AM SO ANGRY BECAUSE NOW I FEEL A SCAR WHERE THERE ONCE WAS NONE. Now i have to wade through this bullshit baggage and process it all and figure it out and deal with FEAR when i once would willingly jump into love no matter what. I want to get back to my favorite place "love like youve never been hurt" but i lost my way.

and then there is the fuck it I want a cigarette feeling. god damn it. i know that is a medicating need for a cig, one that will bury my emotions for the day. blaaaaaa blllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaa bla.

work

So I am pissed off at my work. It seems that our place of business is not welcoming to new coming employees, and a few have quit. We got a nasty email from one of the bosses at which time she said to us she would provide us with examples if we chose. I asked for some, but instead of an example she cited my personality. I know she didn't mean for it to be bad, but it really pissed me off. Everyone who is new is going to feel new. I did. When I started everyone I worked with had been working together FOR YEARS! Theses guys don't have to deal with that, there are only three people left who have been there for more than a year. In any case while I want to make new people feel welcome I also don't feel like i should have to change my personality. part of the allure of my work is that we are all happily our individual special perfect selves and when you get to be your special self without putting a mask on like in a corporate environment you also have to accept others for their individual selves. this is what i like about my job. but i don't like that all of a sudden there is an assumption that we are treating people poorly and when I inquire about I am not given a time when I have ever done such a thing, because i have not, but i am told all the ways that i might "come across" or "appear abrupt" to a new person. i already know that about myself, and while it is not always ideal i am not sorry for it anymore. for all the ways that it can be a disadvantage it is also and advantage. not to fucking forget to mention that the person who told me this is just the same. she has her moments just like we all do. new people and old people alike. lets buck up here. we are here to help and love each other and make our place a cool place to work, not to be afraid of each other. i know that it is hard to be new, but that is part of the uptown test, not for us to make it hard for new people but for them to find their own way, not my way, not her way, but their own way. can they say what they think? it takes awhile to feel comfortable doing this but it is necessary and nobody held my hand until i figured it out and I personally like where I work because everyone is capable of communicating for themselves.

i am additionally pissed that the owner seems to be inquiring into how things are for the new people but not with us older staff. seems to me like there is a lot of one sided review happening. i will be interested to see how it turns out when they decide to share with us. until then, venting over.

Never made it to day 2

While I was not entirely successful in my fast, the one day of not eating was enough of a distraction to keep me from smoking. So, here I am a week later, and only cheated once. In that one cheat I found out how much it makes it worse and decided again what a great decision it is to be not smoking. I am going to attempt a different kind of cleanse. I am going to stop drinking and smoking for awhile and see how that makes me feel. (smoking forever)

tired. sad. and under a rock.

I have very recently been spending so much time at home that I am shocked in myself. Yesterday with company over, I spent almost the remainder of the day alone and today I never left the house. I never left. I feel like shit. I have been bombarded with memories of Tim and all the feelings of maybe if I did that, and maybe if I did this. And I told a friend that I feel like my emotions with regards to my marriage ending are like the tides, accept there is no tide schedule. So, for the first time that I can ever remember I have found comfort in television. I have been trying to discipline myself, I don't want to medicate with it, but it is so nice to lose myself for an hour or two and just zone out with the TV guiding my attention. I never want to leave my house. and randomly I must say that even though I am hiding under my rock, or TV if you want to be literal, I do love Portland, my neighbors, my incredibly beautiful and amazing and supportive roommate, and when i do come crawling out again I know I can see all the awesome people in this town running about! but for now...my cat and I are moping in my big empty king size bed.

wedding ring

It doesnt work. I am not a lier. I tried and I feel like a fake. I have to learn how to say no. Plain and simple. Thank you I am flattered, but I am not dating. No thank you. Gee that is really nice, but I am not available. Thanks for the invitation but I can't. I wish it could be that easy. But sometimes they persist....like, why not? and then try to convince me. fuck. it fucks me off. and i get flustered and completely stupid and say yes to something i am completely uninterested in. then what. i think i am going to just stay home forever in my cozy room with my remote control and all will be well.

Day 1.

No food. No cigarettes. No bread. No french fries or tatter tots. No chocolate. Just lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. And I am bored. I should have a million things to do. I can sit here and list them out. I have several assignments to do for school. I have reading to catch up on. But all I can do is sit here and space out, and think, gee, I wish I had something to do and especially someone to talk to. I don't want to watch TV or play games. I don't even want to pick up the phone for my usual call to my girls. I want to be productive. I want to be a good student. Someone who gets her work done in advance and can relax and enjoy life and learn more from doing it because it isn't rushed. Why must I always wait until the last minute? And why is it that when I have a hunk of time - like right now - that I would rather sit and do *absolutely nothing*???? One little reflection, shit I don't even have to think that much, just blurb on about my feelings on a different web page other than this one.....jeez

wedding ring

I have decided to start wearing my wedding ring again. I think it invites less attention. I won't lie if someone asks me directly, but I like the way it closes me off to many at the moment.

a dream poem. a wish if you will.

Smile
The contagiousness of your eyes
Is dreamt of
It is like my heart just lay down on a pillow and I am surrounded by softness
It is like my soul reached out and grabbed you because
It knew that you would see my soul and who I really am
The wings on my back can only take me higher
I close my eyes and
Your eyes
Your eyes
As my belly tingles
My mind wants to reason me backwards, to kick in and cool me off,
Throw cold water on my spirit
I just sit and let myself revel in the beauty of the moment
The moment of you
Whoever you are
You are in this moment a treasure to my heart
And a gift to my soul
The instant I didn’t need to see another
You appeared at my door
Magically I will bloom into this new self I found
Maybe I will get to share my journey with you
Only time will tell.

1995 I think.

I received this letter sometime in the past. It has no date. It has no to, and no from. But it holds eternity within it. It holds my heart too. It is as if my whole life has been preparing me by teaching me patience. And it is funny, for when you decide you are going to be patient, there are always things that seem to pop up that challenge it. In these past weeks since I have decided to be in solitude with myself, to find my own way without needing a man to help, men seem to be everywhere. At first I thought it was a challenge from the universe, and maybe it was. But now it is like a game I play with myself. An internal challenge to see how long I can wait. I have not been in this state before and it is so invigorating, informative, and enlightening. My senses are spot on, I am more in tune with my feelings than I have ever been. In all of my relationships I am able to see how I feel, instead of what I want. And in this I know almost immediately who is healthy to be around and who is not. I have stopped looking at individuals qualities, and what they have that fits in my little picture of what I want. I have instead created a picture of what I want with me when I am around others. Since this perspective has shifted my eyes have opened. I can see now so clearly my past and how often I have turned away from my own feelings, my own warnings, thinking "I should" like him, her, that or whatever. We have no control over how we feel. We only control what we do about it and with it when we feel it. While it has been a challenge to say "no thank you" or "not today" or "this doesn't work for me" or "I am not in the same place as you right now" I have done it. And it is as if there is no stopping the momentum now that it has started. It feels extremely selfish on so many levels. Shouldn't I care more about these specifics that others hold? But I do care, it is a different caring. I care about how they affect me. I have always known that any relationship, with friends, family and lovers is a give and take of energy. I have always said that I don't want to give my energy if I am not getting back. But this has taken on another meaning to me now as I realize so clearly the exchange of energy literally while paying attention to my own. It is selfish. But I believe it is healthy and is taking me for the first time in the right direction.

So here is the letter. Here is my long lost love. I have held you. Breathed you. Dreamt you. Known you. Even though you have been lost to me. I know you will come again. Love that is.

I write you a letter, because
I can think of no other way
to convey my thoughts to you.
Just a few things I thought
you would enjoy knowing.
Call it, and open letter.

I have no pictures of you
yet I see your face at will
I hold nothing from you
still
I carry you with me
always
I do not sleep with you
but I can see you
on any night
I hold you in my mind
I think of you
close my eyes
and you're with me
again.

new game called "not telling the other person what they should or should not be doing"

I had to learn that game a long time ago. Tim sucked. He was actually cruel. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I felt useless and as if no matter what I tried he would want the opposite anyway so what was the fucking point. It was funny that that exact expression had come from A when we dated about me. I don't have a vision of myself that way, but I was once. It made me remember how everything was so much about me that there was never time for anything to be about him. And when I was with Tim i realized that there was no me. only him. the world existed for his pleasure, fear, love, play, happiness and sadness. And if whatever was happening to me did not coincide with how he was feeling then there was something "really" wrong with me. after awhile you stop trying. i enjoyed the opportunity for reflection that it game me to see how I played that role to someone else. and i enjoy knowing that it won't happen like that again for me.

Is it possible

Is it possible for me to remove myself from the world of men? To not date. To say to someone if they ask me out, "I am not dating right now, but if you are interested in friendship that would be great." Or I can leave out the second part of that line. I am not saying I don't want friends, or need friends, but I want to concentrate on the ones I have right now I think.

What is trust? In oneself and the universe, how do we as humans experience and believe in trust. When do we create these beliefs, and can they be changed. This is my pondering thought of the week.

still need to talk

When I am this excited I feel so *urged* to call my friends, to talk about it, to bounce about it, to share and by talking I usually come to discover even more of what it is I am so excited about. I am only experimenting right now, I want to see if writing, and talking less brings me any clarity, maybe a different kind of clarity? I don't even know what to say, I suppose I would call my girlfriend and completely spill the entire conversation I just had with starlight.

First I got help severing all ties with Tim, we talked about how split he was and how he was two different people. She validated me that the Tim I fell in love with existed, but he was not in his body very often. We spoke of past lives. We spoke of this life. I cleared up more old stuff that relates to my father. AGAIN. when will that be over? And I began to process and learn how to be more open to my own gifts and practice using a language myself that supports me rather than continues to hide me.

I shared with her an experience I had with a man recently. I told this guy that I was an indigo. He didn't know what that was. honestly I didn't either, I had just been told that so I went with it. In any case he was threatened a bit and wondered if that meant I could read his mind or something. I told him that I am not telepathic and I don't read his mind. I just get visuals and feelings and I have learned that I only offer those if someone wants to hear it, but I don't know all of his deep dark secrets like some TV show!

Starlight told me to be careful of what I say and to be more honest. I am telepathic. But I have very clear boundaries. I am not keen to read thoughts, I can't even say I have ever done it. Probably because it isn't the thoughts that are so integral but the spirit. It is who you are that I see when I look at you. And if my seeing you helps you see you than I feel the beauty has happened. I want to practice seeing. I want to practice not editing the visual images that come into my mind.

I think I need to concentrate on a new mantra that the world is a safe place for me.

I am finally ready.

I have just released all my contracts and such that have been holding me back for so long. I feel amazingly energized and ready to open myself up to all the magic in me that I have been stuffing under the surface for so long. I get now that the world is a safe place for me to have my gifts and that because I opperate in my integrity I don't have to be scared anymore. I am feeling deeper memories of myself every moment and I am begining to practice with my clarovoyant skills. Every time I try I trust myself and my insights and messages more and more. This is just the begining. With all my heart I put my intentions into the universe to allow me and help me to open more and more and embrace all of myself. I don't even mind if this sounds crazy because I believe now that the ones I will be surrounded by are those who love this light that is finally exploding from within me!

Kissed by the sun

Yesterday I was kissed by the sun. I know that I have come to terms with the rain and whether in this part of the world, but yesterday after ending my monthly cycle and being exposed to the glorious sunshine, I felt renewed and inspired. I feel like my dreams are waking up. I feel all sorts of ideas bursting from me. I need to walk and collect leaves and make cards, pictures, frames, jewlery and all sorts of magic. I can't wait to go to the beach by myself. All because of the kiss of the sun. And this morning I am up before dawn and I feel kissed by the setting moon!

Why do I talk so much?

I realized for the first time today in 18 years that my best friend writes everything in her blog. I wonder how come it took me so long to start doing this, and I also wonder where the compulsory need to talk all the time comes from. It was so fascinating to me, I always knew she kept a blog, but I had never read it. And I always wondered why I seemed to have all these pressing things to discuss and she didn't. She writes it all and processes that way. By the time we are on the phone, she is done with it. I am not sure if this will work for me, but I am going to try it for a little while. It seems as though anytime I am in a quiet space, I have to call someone. I have been blatantly criticized for talking on the phone too much by many people. I am not agreeing with them. I process the way I process, but I am curious as to how much clearer I can see my thoughts after I write them out. This is my experiment. And one of these days I want to experiment with allowing anyone to read this. I am fearful of that. Afraid of who might see it, as if that really mattered, but still it scares me.

I find it funny that since this afternoon when I decided to try this, instead of making phone calls I start to "blog" in my head. Maybe I can write after all.

my list

Recently I read my friends experience of her birth experience. While I recall what she talked about what was most surprising to me was the part when she talked about her husband and how that made me cry.

I read how wonderful he is and all that he did to make their childbirth experience go well. I heard in her words all of the support that he gives her. I see this beautiful example in the world of what I know exists but haven't found for myself. And then I ask myself why is it so important? I think that is inner judgement talking. I know I want it, and I am sick of pretending on some level that I don't.

So, to finally get on with the exercise that another friend recommended, here is a list of some things that I would like to feel when I am inside a relationship with the person I love:

• I want to feel secure. Not because he tells me I am beautiful or wonderful everyday, but secure in myself, in a way that resonates in my relationship. As if without additional effort, I feel good about myself.
• I want to be independent. I want my independence to be viewed as a strength.
• I want to feel free to have my own private interactions with my friends.
• I want to feel as if my dreams are possible and not a burden.
• I want to be able to talk about anything.
• I want to feel safe knowing that I am trusted as having ultimately good intentions
• I want to trust my own good intentions
• I want to be playful, and let my playfulness be contagious
• I never want to feel like I need to apologize for crying.
• I want to feel secure and strong in asking for my own space
• I want to feel beautiful. Not on the outside but on the inside. I want to feel my own radiance.
• I want to feel challenged without insults
• I want to feel sexually expressed and uninhibited. I want the safety to explore inside my relationship
• I want to feel healthy.

for what bliss am I searching...???

what do i want out of this life? for what bliss am i searching? how/where might these things be found?

love. first and last. i want love. i want to share my life with someone who loves me as i love them. who loves themselves and is a whole being independently of me. when i am around this person i want to feel like all the things i am are good and all the things i am not are ok too. I want to relish in my independence and have a place to fall when i am weak. i want a hand to lift me higher and a shoulder to cry on probably at least once a month. i want to be true to my word. i want to talk and process and discover. i want to know that as I fulfil my dreams all the joy i experience brings him joy as his will for me. i know this sounds ridiculously mushy but hey i am a woman and i mean what i say.

laughter. joy. games. i want to play. i want to play at home and with my friends and my brother and with my son. i want to read books and talk about them with kyle and build lego castles and ships and cities.children. I want to find my bliss in educating and surrounding myself by children. i know it is work and it will be hard but i have been dreaming of it since the fourth grade and i am so close. i want to pull my hair out in frustration because i don't know how to teach something and then discover that i did it. i want to see at least on "ah ha" moment in a child's eyes. i want to make math fun.

perfect and complete. i tattooed this on my wedding ring finger a year and a half ago when i married myself. I know my dreams are waking up. my intuition is blooming. my head is screaming with knowledge and the universe is always putting the most beautiful people in my path. but i am already complete. i want to share being complete. i want to give all my gifts away every day. i am living my bliss. being patient.

witches favour

I just recieved a package of photos on a cd in the mail from my almost x-husband. he titled the folder on the cd "witches favour". I know I must let the anger flow ~ to come to me and hopefully leave me, but when will it stop. I want to cry but when I do the voice inside me says i shouldn't be sad over him. But i am sad. I dont knwo if i can feel the sadness with the surmounting anger that entangles my thoughts. the constant dance of a changing tune, being accused of being crazy, being told I need anger managment, being told i am the worst communicator he has ever met. what can i do with it all. i want my life to move on. i want love. i know there is a whole person out there. i want to be whole again too.

writing simply to write

how does the creative process start? I wanted to start some sort of process to vomit some of my thoughts, and thus get it out of my system and potentially have the chance to reflect if I wish. most of what i have to say is angry for the moment. but it needs to be said rather than stifled.
Tim, you are an asshole. Never in my life would I dream of telling anyone they were pathetic, weak, selfish, mean, and a horrible wife. My thoughts of you are so full of resentment I can't even articulate them. I want the whole world to know how you treated me and I don't want any other women to suffer from your bullshit. i listened to the tape of the recording of one of our arguments and was astonished at your tone and complete lack of caring for anything that i had to say. it is as if all the words and names you call me are a reflection of you. do you talk to yourself that way? i suppose if you do then you are more of a tortured soul than i could imagine and i feel sorry for you. but that still doesn't make what you did to me right. i wish i could send that tape to everyone you know. somehow i still know you would excuse your behavior and justify it by telling them all how horrible mean and different i was. saying that i deceived you and pretended to be someone i was not when we met. fuck you.