my list

Recently I read my friends experience of her birth experience. While I recall what she talked about what was most surprising to me was the part when she talked about her husband and how that made me cry.

I read how wonderful he is and all that he did to make their childbirth experience go well. I heard in her words all of the support that he gives her. I see this beautiful example in the world of what I know exists but haven't found for myself. And then I ask myself why is it so important? I think that is inner judgement talking. I know I want it, and I am sick of pretending on some level that I don't.

So, to finally get on with the exercise that another friend recommended, here is a list of some things that I would like to feel when I am inside a relationship with the person I love:

• I want to feel secure. Not because he tells me I am beautiful or wonderful everyday, but secure in myself, in a way that resonates in my relationship. As if without additional effort, I feel good about myself.
• I want to be independent. I want my independence to be viewed as a strength.
• I want to feel free to have my own private interactions with my friends.
• I want to feel as if my dreams are possible and not a burden.
• I want to be able to talk about anything.
• I want to feel safe knowing that I am trusted as having ultimately good intentions
• I want to trust my own good intentions
• I want to be playful, and let my playfulness be contagious
• I never want to feel like I need to apologize for crying.
• I want to feel secure and strong in asking for my own space
• I want to feel beautiful. Not on the outside but on the inside. I want to feel my own radiance.
• I want to feel challenged without insults
• I want to feel sexually expressed and uninhibited. I want the safety to explore inside my relationship
• I want to feel healthy.