1995 I think.

I received this letter sometime in the past. It has no date. It has no to, and no from. But it holds eternity within it. It holds my heart too. It is as if my whole life has been preparing me by teaching me patience. And it is funny, for when you decide you are going to be patient, there are always things that seem to pop up that challenge it. In these past weeks since I have decided to be in solitude with myself, to find my own way without needing a man to help, men seem to be everywhere. At first I thought it was a challenge from the universe, and maybe it was. But now it is like a game I play with myself. An internal challenge to see how long I can wait. I have not been in this state before and it is so invigorating, informative, and enlightening. My senses are spot on, I am more in tune with my feelings than I have ever been. In all of my relationships I am able to see how I feel, instead of what I want. And in this I know almost immediately who is healthy to be around and who is not. I have stopped looking at individuals qualities, and what they have that fits in my little picture of what I want. I have instead created a picture of what I want with me when I am around others. Since this perspective has shifted my eyes have opened. I can see now so clearly my past and how often I have turned away from my own feelings, my own warnings, thinking "I should" like him, her, that or whatever. We have no control over how we feel. We only control what we do about it and with it when we feel it. While it has been a challenge to say "no thank you" or "not today" or "this doesn't work for me" or "I am not in the same place as you right now" I have done it. And it is as if there is no stopping the momentum now that it has started. It feels extremely selfish on so many levels. Shouldn't I care more about these specifics that others hold? But I do care, it is a different caring. I care about how they affect me. I have always known that any relationship, with friends, family and lovers is a give and take of energy. I have always said that I don't want to give my energy if I am not getting back. But this has taken on another meaning to me now as I realize so clearly the exchange of energy literally while paying attention to my own. It is selfish. But I believe it is healthy and is taking me for the first time in the right direction.

So here is the letter. Here is my long lost love. I have held you. Breathed you. Dreamt you. Known you. Even though you have been lost to me. I know you will come again. Love that is.

I write you a letter, because
I can think of no other way
to convey my thoughts to you.
Just a few things I thought
you would enjoy knowing.
Call it, and open letter.

I have no pictures of you
yet I see your face at will
I hold nothing from you
still
I carry you with me
always
I do not sleep with you
but I can see you
on any night
I hold you in my mind
I think of you
close my eyes
and you're with me
again.