Is it possible

Is it possible for me to remove myself from the world of men? To not date. To say to someone if they ask me out, "I am not dating right now, but if you are interested in friendship that would be great." Or I can leave out the second part of that line. I am not saying I don't want friends, or need friends, but I want to concentrate on the ones I have right now I think.

What is trust? In oneself and the universe, how do we as humans experience and believe in trust. When do we create these beliefs, and can they be changed. This is my pondering thought of the week.

still need to talk

When I am this excited I feel so *urged* to call my friends, to talk about it, to bounce about it, to share and by talking I usually come to discover even more of what it is I am so excited about. I am only experimenting right now, I want to see if writing, and talking less brings me any clarity, maybe a different kind of clarity? I don't even know what to say, I suppose I would call my girlfriend and completely spill the entire conversation I just had with starlight.

First I got help severing all ties with Tim, we talked about how split he was and how he was two different people. She validated me that the Tim I fell in love with existed, but he was not in his body very often. We spoke of past lives. We spoke of this life. I cleared up more old stuff that relates to my father. AGAIN. when will that be over? And I began to process and learn how to be more open to my own gifts and practice using a language myself that supports me rather than continues to hide me.

I shared with her an experience I had with a man recently. I told this guy that I was an indigo. He didn't know what that was. honestly I didn't either, I had just been told that so I went with it. In any case he was threatened a bit and wondered if that meant I could read his mind or something. I told him that I am not telepathic and I don't read his mind. I just get visuals and feelings and I have learned that I only offer those if someone wants to hear it, but I don't know all of his deep dark secrets like some TV show!

Starlight told me to be careful of what I say and to be more honest. I am telepathic. But I have very clear boundaries. I am not keen to read thoughts, I can't even say I have ever done it. Probably because it isn't the thoughts that are so integral but the spirit. It is who you are that I see when I look at you. And if my seeing you helps you see you than I feel the beauty has happened. I want to practice seeing. I want to practice not editing the visual images that come into my mind.

I think I need to concentrate on a new mantra that the world is a safe place for me.

I am finally ready.

I have just released all my contracts and such that have been holding me back for so long. I feel amazingly energized and ready to open myself up to all the magic in me that I have been stuffing under the surface for so long. I get now that the world is a safe place for me to have my gifts and that because I opperate in my integrity I don't have to be scared anymore. I am feeling deeper memories of myself every moment and I am begining to practice with my clarovoyant skills. Every time I try I trust myself and my insights and messages more and more. This is just the begining. With all my heart I put my intentions into the universe to allow me and help me to open more and more and embrace all of myself. I don't even mind if this sounds crazy because I believe now that the ones I will be surrounded by are those who love this light that is finally exploding from within me!

Kissed by the sun

Yesterday I was kissed by the sun. I know that I have come to terms with the rain and whether in this part of the world, but yesterday after ending my monthly cycle and being exposed to the glorious sunshine, I felt renewed and inspired. I feel like my dreams are waking up. I feel all sorts of ideas bursting from me. I need to walk and collect leaves and make cards, pictures, frames, jewlery and all sorts of magic. I can't wait to go to the beach by myself. All because of the kiss of the sun. And this morning I am up before dawn and I feel kissed by the setting moon!

Why do I talk so much?

I realized for the first time today in 18 years that my best friend writes everything in her blog. I wonder how come it took me so long to start doing this, and I also wonder where the compulsory need to talk all the time comes from. It was so fascinating to me, I always knew she kept a blog, but I had never read it. And I always wondered why I seemed to have all these pressing things to discuss and she didn't. She writes it all and processes that way. By the time we are on the phone, she is done with it. I am not sure if this will work for me, but I am going to try it for a little while. It seems as though anytime I am in a quiet space, I have to call someone. I have been blatantly criticized for talking on the phone too much by many people. I am not agreeing with them. I process the way I process, but I am curious as to how much clearer I can see my thoughts after I write them out. This is my experiment. And one of these days I want to experiment with allowing anyone to read this. I am fearful of that. Afraid of who might see it, as if that really mattered, but still it scares me.

I find it funny that since this afternoon when I decided to try this, instead of making phone calls I start to "blog" in my head. Maybe I can write after all.

my list

Recently I read my friends experience of her birth experience. While I recall what she talked about what was most surprising to me was the part when she talked about her husband and how that made me cry.

I read how wonderful he is and all that he did to make their childbirth experience go well. I heard in her words all of the support that he gives her. I see this beautiful example in the world of what I know exists but haven't found for myself. And then I ask myself why is it so important? I think that is inner judgement talking. I know I want it, and I am sick of pretending on some level that I don't.

So, to finally get on with the exercise that another friend recommended, here is a list of some things that I would like to feel when I am inside a relationship with the person I love:

• I want to feel secure. Not because he tells me I am beautiful or wonderful everyday, but secure in myself, in a way that resonates in my relationship. As if without additional effort, I feel good about myself.
• I want to be independent. I want my independence to be viewed as a strength.
• I want to feel free to have my own private interactions with my friends.
• I want to feel as if my dreams are possible and not a burden.
• I want to be able to talk about anything.
• I want to feel safe knowing that I am trusted as having ultimately good intentions
• I want to trust my own good intentions
• I want to be playful, and let my playfulness be contagious
• I never want to feel like I need to apologize for crying.
• I want to feel secure and strong in asking for my own space
• I want to feel beautiful. Not on the outside but on the inside. I want to feel my own radiance.
• I want to feel challenged without insults
• I want to feel sexually expressed and uninhibited. I want the safety to explore inside my relationship
• I want to feel healthy.

for what bliss am I searching...???

what do i want out of this life? for what bliss am i searching? how/where might these things be found?

love. first and last. i want love. i want to share my life with someone who loves me as i love them. who loves themselves and is a whole being independently of me. when i am around this person i want to feel like all the things i am are good and all the things i am not are ok too. I want to relish in my independence and have a place to fall when i am weak. i want a hand to lift me higher and a shoulder to cry on probably at least once a month. i want to be true to my word. i want to talk and process and discover. i want to know that as I fulfil my dreams all the joy i experience brings him joy as his will for me. i know this sounds ridiculously mushy but hey i am a woman and i mean what i say.

laughter. joy. games. i want to play. i want to play at home and with my friends and my brother and with my son. i want to read books and talk about them with kyle and build lego castles and ships and cities.children. I want to find my bliss in educating and surrounding myself by children. i know it is work and it will be hard but i have been dreaming of it since the fourth grade and i am so close. i want to pull my hair out in frustration because i don't know how to teach something and then discover that i did it. i want to see at least on "ah ha" moment in a child's eyes. i want to make math fun.

perfect and complete. i tattooed this on my wedding ring finger a year and a half ago when i married myself. I know my dreams are waking up. my intuition is blooming. my head is screaming with knowledge and the universe is always putting the most beautiful people in my path. but i am already complete. i want to share being complete. i want to give all my gifts away every day. i am living my bliss. being patient.

witches favour

I just recieved a package of photos on a cd in the mail from my almost x-husband. he titled the folder on the cd "witches favour". I know I must let the anger flow ~ to come to me and hopefully leave me, but when will it stop. I want to cry but when I do the voice inside me says i shouldn't be sad over him. But i am sad. I dont knwo if i can feel the sadness with the surmounting anger that entangles my thoughts. the constant dance of a changing tune, being accused of being crazy, being told I need anger managment, being told i am the worst communicator he has ever met. what can i do with it all. i want my life to move on. i want love. i know there is a whole person out there. i want to be whole again too.

writing simply to write

how does the creative process start? I wanted to start some sort of process to vomit some of my thoughts, and thus get it out of my system and potentially have the chance to reflect if I wish. most of what i have to say is angry for the moment. but it needs to be said rather than stifled.
Tim, you are an asshole. Never in my life would I dream of telling anyone they were pathetic, weak, selfish, mean, and a horrible wife. My thoughts of you are so full of resentment I can't even articulate them. I want the whole world to know how you treated me and I don't want any other women to suffer from your bullshit. i listened to the tape of the recording of one of our arguments and was astonished at your tone and complete lack of caring for anything that i had to say. it is as if all the words and names you call me are a reflection of you. do you talk to yourself that way? i suppose if you do then you are more of a tortured soul than i could imagine and i feel sorry for you. but that still doesn't make what you did to me right. i wish i could send that tape to everyone you know. somehow i still know you would excuse your behavior and justify it by telling them all how horrible mean and different i was. saying that i deceived you and pretended to be someone i was not when we met. fuck you.