tired. sad. and under a rock.

I have very recently been spending so much time at home that I am shocked in myself. Yesterday with company over, I spent almost the remainder of the day alone and today I never left the house. I never left. I feel like shit. I have been bombarded with memories of Tim and all the feelings of maybe if I did that, and maybe if I did this. And I told a friend that I feel like my emotions with regards to my marriage ending are like the tides, accept there is no tide schedule. So, for the first time that I can ever remember I have found comfort in television. I have been trying to discipline myself, I don't want to medicate with it, but it is so nice to lose myself for an hour or two and just zone out with the TV guiding my attention. I never want to leave my house. and randomly I must say that even though I am hiding under my rock, or TV if you want to be literal, I do love Portland, my neighbors, my incredibly beautiful and amazing and supportive roommate, and when i do come crawling out again I know I can see all the awesome people in this town running about! but for now...my cat and I are moping in my big empty king size bed.